Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Berta: I'm a bad pussycat.
Cynthia: Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake: It's called puberty.
Charlie: It's called donuts.
Jake: Donuts don't make hair. *Glances towards his crotch*.
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Charlie: (pause) Okay, two guys.
Evelyn: Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Judith: (Discussing Jake's lack of hobbies) I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
Alan: What's going on in school?
Alan: "Nothin'?" You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is.
Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
Charlie: How do you figure?
Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Charlie: What do men have that women don't?
Jake: (in a lower voice) Beards?
Betsy: [Jake]'s really something.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, he's really something. The question is what.
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Sharon: The thought of you on top of me will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Alan: Do you want to be on top? Cause if you give me a half an hour and a glass of juice and we can try that.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Jake: I was really surprised.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Jake: It means, "Sexually Transmitted Disease".
Charlie: I know what STDs are.
Alan: Your uncle helped to invent them.
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