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Walden: I can actually feel my IQ dropping.

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2.8

Charlie: Well, not shove, per se.
Berta: (With sink snake) Come on, get in there you sucker.
Alan: I don't know, it just makes me nervous that people are looking inside my ass this time.
Berta: It......just.....won't.....go in!
Charlie: Tell you what. To take your mind off of this whole colonoscopy, I'll take you to Las Vegas for the weekend.
Berta: Great. Now I can't get it out.

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3
From episode Smell the Umbrella Stand.

Berta: That's what you get when, hillbillies have unprotected sex with hummingbirds.

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4.5

Alan: For a hundred bucks I will lick your car claen

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3

Alan: Call mom now.
Charlie: Let me just get my phone. I have her on speed dial 666.

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3
From episode Back Off Mary Poppins.

Lydnsey: Don't gay it up.

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3

Candi: I haven't been this drunk since I took my SATs.

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4

Charlie: All this starting and stopping is damaging my transmission.

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3.5

Jake: You don't believe me. Here... Yeah. Five times. Best half hour of my life.

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4
From episode Not In My Mouth!.

Alan: Hey, how do I look?
Charlie: Incredible! All men want to be you and all women want to be with you.

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3

Charlie: (Hitting Alan with papers) Are.You.Happy!? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy ass mother.
Alan: But she's your mother too.
Charlie: How do you know? I could've been adopted.
Alan: You wish.
Charlie: I do!

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3.3

Candy: Jake, I'll help you with your homework.
Jake: Do you know anything about geometry?
Candy: I know it's what you say when you turn into a tree... Gee, Ima tree!

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3
From episode The Spit-Covered Cobbler.

Walden: Are you okay?
Alan: Well, I think she broke my nose, but I almost turned a lesbian. So I'm gonna count it as a win.

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4.4
From episode The Squat and The Hover.

Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yes?
Jake: Please tell me I'm not done growing.

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4.6
From episode The Squat and The Hover.

Chelsea: I found your mustache.
Charlie: Where'd you find it?
Chelsea: On my ass, where else would I find it.

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3
From episode I Found Your Moustache.

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!

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3.9

Walden: I'm gonna go back to my hotel, and change my Facebook status to 'not dead yet'.

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3.1

Walden: I'm not broke, I'm worth like a billion dollars, 1.3 actually.

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2.6

Evelyn: Trust me darling, I promise to stick around long enough to identify your bloated gin soaked syphilitic remains.

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4.4

Priest: Are you even Catholic?!
Alan: No, but I'm a big fan.
The costumes, the music, uh, crackers and wine.
Priest: That's the body and blood of our saviour.
Alan: I know, mmm mmm good.
You guys ever think about putting that in supermarkets? Like a lunchable?

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3.8
From episode That Darn Priest.

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