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The Two Finger Rule

'The Two Finger Rule' - Season 6, Episode 19

Charlie joins Alan, Herb and his next door neighbor in a night of alcohol-fueled sexual reminiscences after Chelsea finds nude pictures of another woman on his phone.

Air Date: March 30th 2009.

Jerome: I couldn't be friends with the man who's puttin' it to my ex.
Herb: Well, to be fair, there hasn't been a lot of "puttin'" lately.
Alan: And after the baby there'll be even less.
Herb: How's that possible?
Alan: Not only will she not let you touch her, she'll interrupt you while you're touching yourself.

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4.4

Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing."
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me?"
Herb: Yeah. How'd you know?
Alan: Just a guess.

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4.6

*Discussing Jake's date.*
Jake: She's gorgeous. And smart, and popular.
Herb: No kidding.
Charlie: We don't get it, either.
Alan: Maybe she's punishing her father.
Jake: *Excited.* Let's hope so!

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4.3

Jake: Hi, Dad; bye, Mom; good luck, Herb.
Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with ya!
(Cut to Herb in the back seat as Alan and Jake drive back to Malibu).
Herb: I knew it as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

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4

Charlie: Oh, come on, fantasizing is NOT cheating.
Alan: To women it is; they—they don't like the idea that you're mentally replacing them with someone else.
Charlie: What if I'm mentally supplementing them with someone else? You know, like I'm making love to Chelsea, and in my mind, Rachael here is just helping out! (shows Alan the topless photo)
Alan: Mmmmmmmmm.

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4.4

Charlie: You sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed, alcohol just makes me worse.
Charlie: Yeah, see, the key is to drink past that. It's not a sprint; it's a marathon.

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4

Chelsea: Let's face it, Charlie, we both knew you were going to blow it eventually.
Charlie: I didn't! I had my suspicions, but I wasn't sure!

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3.5

Alan: (Over the phone to Melissa) So, bottom line, I was drugged and molested by your mother, and I'm the bad guy?
Berta: (To Charlie) Man, how many times have I heard you make this phone call?

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4.6

Jerome: Celeste! Jake's here. So, how you been?
Jake: We're walking down the pier, we're gonna play Skee-Ball, we'll be back by 11:00.
Jerome: You're damn right you will.

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3.3

Berta: Alright, I ordered your pizza. I'm going home.
Charlie: Thanks, Berta. "I ordered your pizza, I'm going home." Two of the three things you want in a woman.

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3.7

Charlie: Just what we need to brighten up our weekend: a large, sullen teenager with gas and questionable hygiene.
Alan: There's nothing "questionable" about it.

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4.3

Jerome: I couldn't be friends with the man who's puttin' it to my ex.
Herb: Well, to be fair, there hasn't been a lot of "puttin'" lately.
Alan: And after the baby there'll be even less.
Herb: How's that possible?
Alan: Not only will she not let you touch her, she'll interrupt you while you're touching yourself.
Herb: Awwww!

Rate this quote:
4.5