'Pilot' - Season 1, Episode 1
Charlie's life is turned upside down when Alan and his son, Jake, move in with him.
Air Date: September 22nd 2003.
Woman: (to Charlie about him and Jake) You guys are really great together.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad. (smiles and saunters away)
Charlie: (to Jake) Wow, you're even better than a dog!
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch.
Charlie: (About Alan living with Evelyn again.) You’ve been living here for a few weeks now, I assume you have blood in your stool.
Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one to...two?
Charlie: You gotta love that kid. I played him "Stairway to Heaven", and he still thought the Maple Loop song was better.
Charlie: (Alan turns the TV off) Hey, I'm watching that!
Alan: What part of "no TV" don't you understand?
Charlie: I'm allowed to watch TV.
Alan: I mean Jake.
Charlie: I said "No TV." He said "Okay." I said "Go to bed." He said, "Okay.".