Cynthia: Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake: It's called puberty.
Charlie: It's called donuts.
Jake: Donuts don't make hair. *Glances towards his crotch*.
Alan: What's going on in school?
Alan: "Nothin'?" You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is.
Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
Charlie: How do you figure?
Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
Charlie: What do men have that women don't?
Jake: (in a lower voice) Beards?
Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Jake: I was really surprised.
Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to three o'clock. After that I'm just a person like anybody else.
Jake: (to Charlie) This is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Jake: Who is this Vod Kanockers that you speak of?
Alan: Where are you going?
Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not "anybody"—I wouldn't go with Hitler.
Alan: *Describing his screenplay* Well, it's about a man, who's at a crossroads in his life, coming to terms with loss and mortality.
Jake: Huh, you know what you could call it?
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G...A-Y.
Jake: Ask me why they should change the Arizona Kings to the Arizona Nads.
Jake: So that way we can chant "Go, Nads! Go, Nads!"
Jake: Please tell me I'm not done growing.
Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake: (repeating something Charlie said) No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff.
Alan: Okay, bye bye!
Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.
Jake: A lot of great discoveries were accidents, like Thomas Edison and the telephone.
Jake: I got to see penguins and a manta ray. I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady's shirt. I think she had plants.
Jake: Yeah, implants. I asked grandma if she had them and grandpa said, "Aw, I wish." And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream.
Jake: Dad, are you and Mom related?
Alan: (shocked) I'm sorry, what?
Jake: Well, if you marry your cousin, your kids will be stupid, right?
Jake: My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie.
Jake: If I was a Game Boy, where would I be?
Charlie: (Discussing Jake's paper) He's eleven. There's no way it stands up in court.
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