Evelyn: Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.
Evelyn: Trust me darling, I promise to stick around long enough to identify your bloated gin soaked syphilitic remains.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: (Referring to Charlie). You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Evelyn: Charlie, that was crude and uncalled for.
Charlie: Thank you. Evelyn: You're welcome.
Evelyn: Confessions may be good for the soul, but they're a hot lead enema to a relationship.
Evelyn: (To Alan) You were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
Evelyn: Oh wonderful, we're going to be on an episode of Cops.
Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.
Charlie: I just want you to know that in my way I want you to be happy, and I love you.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Evelyn: Oh, I'm going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You can only screw it up from here.
Charlie: Do you feel better?
Alan: No, I don't feel better.
Evelyn: Did I say it wrong?
Evelyn: I just can't believe he'd cheat on me... on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead.
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
Evelyn: You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.
Alan: Hey, Jake, your grandma's here.
Jake: (groaning) Oh, man!
Alan: I meant in the room.
Jake: (turns around, puts on a big smile) Oh, man, Grandma's here!!
Evelyn: (to Alan) I blame you.
Alan: Yeah, well, take a number.
Charlie: Mommy, I don't feel good.
Evelyn: Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.
Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes Transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants.
Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.
Evelyn: You know what they say, darling. 'Today's obituary is tomorrow's exclusive listing.'.
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