Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Jake: It means, "Sexually Transmitted Disease".
Charlie: I know what STDs are.
Alan: Your uncle helped to invent them.
Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Chelsea: Alan's a doll. He just needs to find the right woman.
Charlie: If you check his closet, you'll find the right woman is a doll.
Charlie: The women, the drinking - you guys look at me and think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to turn me into the happy-go-lucky ass-wrangler I am today.
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Charlie: (pause) Okay, two guys.
Jake: Don't you want to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday?
Charlie: Jake, I swear to God.
Jake: Wait! Not Yet! 5-4-3-2-1. OK, now!
Charlie: Get out.
Jake: You can give me your present now if you want to.
Charlie: If you leave immediately, I'll give you the gift of life.
Vicki: I am so full. I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth.
Charlie: Hope that's just a figure of speech.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
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