Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about Alan, mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
Alan: (Talking about the couch). Berta and I had a bet on how long it would take you to notice.
Berta: I had 50 bucks on "never".
Chelsea: Alan's a doll. He just needs to find the right woman.
Charlie: If you check his closet, you'll find the right woman is a doll.
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. "Two brothers are sitting on a couch. One of them says: 'Heard any good jokes lately?' and then the other one, get this, the other one... lights him on fire".
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Alan: Let's face it, we're both too old for the MTV-lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?!
Charlie: Oh, come on, put it in the holster, Wild Bill!
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Charlie: Everybody's got a little baggage ... I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers.
Jake: Don't you want to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday?
Charlie: Jake, I swear to God.
Jake: Wait! Not Yet! 5-4-3-2-1. OK, now!
Charlie: Get out.
Jake: You can give me your present now if you want to.
Charlie: If you leave immediately, I'll give you the gift of life.
Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.
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