Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Chelsea: Alan's a doll. He just needs to find the right woman.
Charlie: If you check his closet, you'll find the right woman is a doll.
Charlie: The women, the drinking - you guys look at me and think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to turn me into the happy-go-lucky ass-wrangler I am today.
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.
Alan: (Talking about the couch). Berta and I had a bet on how long it would take you to notice.
Berta: I had 50 bucks on "never".
Alan: Let's face it, we're both too old for the MTV-lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?!
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about Alan, mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
Charlie: Oh, come on, put it in the holster, Wild Bill!
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