Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Charlie: (pause) Okay, two guys.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Jake: It means, "Sexually Transmitted Disease".
Charlie: I know what STDs are.
Alan: Your uncle helped to invent them.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Chelsea: Alan's a doll. He just needs to find the right woman.
Charlie: If you check his closet, you'll find the right woman is a doll.
Charlie: The women, the drinking - you guys look at me and think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to turn me into the happy-go-lucky ass-wrangler I am today.
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Charlie: Oh, come on, put it in the holster, Wild Bill!
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.
Jake: Don't you want to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday?
Charlie: Jake, I swear to God.
Jake: Wait! Not Yet! 5-4-3-2-1. OK, now!
Charlie: Get out.
Jake: You can give me your present now if you want to.
Charlie: If you leave immediately, I'll give you the gift of life.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Charlie: Everybody's got a little baggage ... I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
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