Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about Alan, mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
Alan: (Talking about the couch). Berta and I had a bet on how long it would take you to notice.
Berta: I had 50 bucks on "never".
Charlie: Oh, come on, fantasizing is NOT cheating.
Alan: To women it is; they—they don't like the idea that you're mentally replacing them with someone else.
Charlie: What if I'm mentally supplementing them with someone else? You know, like I'm making love to Chelsea, and in my mind, Rachael here is just helping out! (shows Alan the topless photo)
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. "Two brothers are sitting on a couch. One of them says: 'Heard any good jokes lately?' and then the other one, get this, the other one... lights him on fire".
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Alan: Let's face it, we're both too old for the MTV-lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?!
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Charlie: Everybody's got a little baggage ... I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers.
Jake: Don't you want to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday?
Charlie: Jake, I swear to God.
Jake: Wait! Not Yet! 5-4-3-2-1. OK, now!
Charlie: Get out.
Jake: You can give me your present now if you want to.
Charlie: If you leave immediately, I'll give you the gift of life.
Alan: [Jake]'s just going to sleep anyway, and I'll keep an eye on him, so you can go.
Charlie: I don't know. It doesn't feel right just abandoning the kid when he's sick.
Alan: Congratulations, now you know what it feels like to be a parent.
Charlie: Yeah. How inconvenient.
Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
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