Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Charlie: (pause) Okay, two guys.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Betsy: [Jake]'s really something.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, he's really something. The question is what.
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Jake: It means, "Sexually Transmitted Disease".
Charlie: I know what STDs are.
Alan: Your uncle helped to invent them.
Evelyn: I just can't believe he's gone.
Charlie: Isn't that why we're going to the funeral, to make sure?
Charlie: The women, the drinking - you guys look at me and think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to turn me into the happy-go-lucky ass-wrangler I am today.
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Charlie: Oh, come on, put it in the holster, Wild Bill!
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
Jake: I still don't understand why my mom had to break up with Greg.
Charlie: Well, it could have been worse. She could have married him and then broken up with him. When I was your age, I was already on my third stepfather, and I kind of liked the second one.
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