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Charlie Quotes

Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.

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4.8
From episode Meander to Your Dander.

Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.

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4.7

Charlie: She knows what she's talking about Alan, mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

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4.7

Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.

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4.7
From episode The Spit-Covered Cobbler.

Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel. 
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

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4.7
From episode Winky-Dink Time.

Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

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4.6
From episode Thank God for Scoliosis.

Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Charlie: Judges?
Berta: Still funny.

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4.6

Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.

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4.6
From episode The Mooch At The Boo.

Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool! 
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!

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4.6

Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.

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4.6
From episode We Called It Mr. Pinky.

Alan: (Talking about the couch). Berta and I had a bet on how long it would take you to notice.
Berta: I had 50 bucks on "never".

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4.6

Charlie: Listen, you've got to do me a favour.
Alan: That's what I live for.
Charlie: Sarcasm is for winners, Alan.

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4.6

Chelsea: Alan's a doll. He just needs to find the right woman.
Charlie: If you check his closet, you'll find the right woman is a doll.

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4.6
From episode Above Exalted Cyclops.

Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.

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4.6
From episode Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo.

Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. "Two brothers are sitting on a couch. One of them says: 'Heard any good jokes lately?' and then the other one, get this, the other one... lights him on fire".

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4.6

Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.

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4.6
From episode Damn You, Eggs Benedict.

Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.

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4.6

Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.

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4.6
From episode Release the Dogs.

Alan: Let's face it, we're both too old for the MTV-lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?!

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4.6

Charlie: Oh, come on, put it in the holster, Wild Bill!

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4.5

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