Charlie: (To Rose) I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff.
Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.
Charlie: The women, the drinking - you guys look at me and think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to turn me into the happy-go-lucky ass-wrangler I am today.
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Charlie: (pause) Okay, two guys.
Rose: What's the name of that hemorrhoid cream again?
Charlie: Fire in the Hole.
Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears, and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny two weeks ago.
Berta: Still funny.
Charlie: 40 year old women have alot of baggage.
Alan: And you have a carry-on.
Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Jake: It means, "Sexually Transmitted Disease".
Charlie: I know what STDs are.
Alan: Your uncle helped to invent them.
Charlie: Oh, come on, put it in the holster, Wild Bill!
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Evelyn: I just can't believe he's gone.
Charlie: Isn't that why we're going to the funeral, to make sure?
Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Charlie: Everybody's got a little baggage ... I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule—if there's topless sunbathers you don't hang out and stare at them; you come get your Uncle Charlie.
Jake: Don't you want to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday?
Charlie: Jake, I swear to God.
Jake: Wait! Not Yet! 5-4-3-2-1. OK, now!
Charlie: Get out.
Jake: You can give me your present now if you want to.
Charlie: If you leave immediately, I'll give you the gift of life.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
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