Berta: I'm a bad pussycat.
Berta: There you go, Elvis—peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?
Alan: (Over the phone to Melissa) So, bottom line, I was drugged and molested by your mother, and I'm the bad guy?
Berta: (To Charlie) Man, how many times have I heard you make this phone call?
Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Charlie: Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.
Jake: (about Prudence) Boy, she smells good.
Berta: Yeah, if you like Camel Filters and pheromones.
Berta: No. It's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: (Confused) Um, thank you. And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig!
Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?
Berta: That's what you get when, hillbillies have unprotected sex with hummingbirds.
Alan: (to Charlie about Evelyn dating Bill, who used to be a woman) One of us has to tell her.
Berta: I'll clean your house free for an entire month if you let me do it!
Charlie: I slept with Jake's teacher.
Berta: Oh Charlie, Did you learn nothing from the den mother fiasco?
Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina.
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it is because I accidentally ate her and I haven't passed her yet. I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara.
Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
Berta: We thought it was Alan's birthday.
Berta: (Referring to Judith) What are you, a farm animal?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. (Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey.
Berta: Pretty catchy, huh?
Alan: So's gonorrhea.
Berta: Drinking from the well of bitterness are we?
Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?
Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in four years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a three-year-old.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.
Berta: Oh, damn it.
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line.
Alan: (About Jake being a slob) I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean.
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