Submit Quotes

Next Page >>

Berta Quotes

Berta: I'm a bad pussycat.

Rate this quote:
4.8

Berta: There you go, Elvis—peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison. 
Jake: Thank you?

Rate this quote:
4.6
From episode Bad News from the Clinic.

Alan: (Over the phone to Melissa) So, bottom line, I was drugged and molested by your mother, and I'm the bad guy?
Berta: (To Charlie) Man, how many times have I heard you make this phone call?

Rate this quote:
4.6
From episode The Two Finger Rule.

Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Berta: You?
Charlie: Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.

Rate this quote:
4.6

Jake: (about Prudence) Boy, she smells good.
Berta: Yeah, if you like Camel Filters and pheromones.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No. It's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: (Confused) Um, thank you. And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig!

Rate this quote:
4.5
From episode Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!.

Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

Rate this quote:
4.5
From episode The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'?.

Berta: That's what you get when, hillbillies have unprotected sex with hummingbirds.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Alan: (to Charlie about Evelyn dating Bill, who used to be a woman) One of us has to tell her.
Berta: Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah?
Berta: I'll clean your house free for an entire month if you let me do it!

Rate this quote:
4.4

Charlie: I slept with Jake's teacher.
Berta: Oh Charlie, Did you learn nothing from the den mother fiasco?

Rate this quote:
4.4
From episode A Bag Full of Jawea.

Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina. 
Alan: Is there? 
Berta: If there is, it is because I accidentally ate her and I haven't passed her yet. I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara.

Rate this quote:
4.3

Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
Berta: We thought it was Alan's birthday.

Rate this quote:
4.3

Berta: (Referring to Judith) What are you, a farm animal?
Charlie: What?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. (Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey.

Rate this quote:
4.3
From episode Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow.

Berta: Pretty catchy, huh?
Alan: So's gonorrhea.
Berta: Drinking from the well of bitterness are we?

Rate this quote:
4.2
From episode Is There a Mrs. Waffles?.

Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?

Rate this quote:
4.2

Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in four years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a three-year-old.

Rate this quote:
4.2

Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn. 
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.

Rate this quote:
4.1
From episode Yes, Monsignor.

Berta: Oh, damn it. 
Charlie: What?
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line.

Rate this quote:
4.1
From episode Smell the Umbrella Stand.

Alan: (About Jake being a slob) I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean.

Rate this quote:
4
From episode Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!.

Showing results 1 to 20 of 46

Page 1  2  Page 3  

Next Page >>