Judith: (Discussing Jake's lack of hobbies) I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan.
Sharon: The thought of you on top of me will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Alan: Do you want to be on top? Cause if you give me a half an hour and a glass of juice and we can try that.
Alan: (Holding a bag for Charlie). So what's in the bag?
Alan: No, really.
Alan: Whose sperm?
Charlie: Seabiscuit's! Who do you think? Mine!
Alan: I thought we were going to a movie!
Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.
Charlie: I learned why I screw around so much.
Charlie: Yup... I think I've spent my whole life trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
Alan: ...filling the empty space in others?
Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing."
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me?"
Herb: Yeah. How'd you know?
Alan: Just a guess.
(While in the bathroom).
Alan: (To Charlie). Plato and Aristotle said that no matter how many times you shaked it, the last drop always falls in the pants.
Alan: Oh perfect, I just stepped on a condom.
Alan: What does sex have to do with marriage?
Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?
Alan: "Frequently Asked Questions".
Charlie: Don't read that.
Alan: Yeah, right. Uhh, okay. "Question: How long can you expect to date Charlie after you have sex with him? Answer: It depends how late you sleep the next morning".
Alan: It's like talking Shakespeare to a tree.
Alan: (To a very overweight patient) Oh, Mr. Dunlop, good to see you again. How we doing today?
Mr. Dunlop: Not good. I was making love to my wife last night.
Alan: Oh my God, is she okay?!?!
Mr. Dunlop: She's fine. She was on top.
Berta: I forgot to do a load of laundry. Last chance to change your underwear.
Alan: I'm good.
Charlie: I’m good genetic material, you know, easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
Alan: (to Charlie) What can I say, marriage is a great ride... till you puke.
Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
Alan: Oh, don't worry, Mom doesn't commit suicide, she inspires it.
Jerome: I couldn't be friends with the man who's puttin' it to my ex.
Herb: Well, to be fair, there hasn't been a lot of "puttin'" lately.
Alan: And after the baby there'll be even less.
Herb: How's that possible?
Alan: Not only will she not let you touch her, she'll interrupt you while you're touching yourself.
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