Submit Quotes

Next Page >>

Alan Quotes

Judith: (Discussing Jake's lack of hobbies) I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Rate this quote:
4.7
From episode And the Plot Moistens.

Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan.

Rate this quote:
4.7
From episode Merry Thanksgiving.

Sharon: The thought of you on top of me will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Alan: Do you want to be on top? Cause if you give me a half an hour and a glass of juice and we can try that.

Rate this quote:
4.7
From episode Media Room Slash Dungeon.

Alan: (Holding a bag for Charlie). So what's in the bag?
Charlie: Sperm.
Alan: No, really.
Charlie: Sperm.
Alan: Whose sperm?
Charlie: Seabiscuit's! Who do you think? Mine!
Alan: I thought we were going to a movie!

Rate this quote:
4.6
From episode Can You Feel My Finger.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.

Rate this quote:
4.6

Charlie: I learned why I screw around so much.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yup... I think I've spent my whole life trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
Alan: ...filling the empty space in others?

Rate this quote:
4.6

Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing."
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me?"
Herb: Yeah. How'd you know?
Alan: Just a guess.

Rate this quote:
4.6
From episode The Two Finger Rule.

(While in the bathroom).

Alan: (To Charlie). Plato and Aristotle said that no matter how many times you shaked it, the last drop always falls in the pants.

Rate this quote:
4.6

Alan: Oh perfect, I just stepped on a condom.

Rate this quote:
4.6

Alan: What does sex have to do with marriage?

Rate this quote:
4.6

Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?

Rate this quote:
4.5

Alan: "Frequently Asked Questions".
Charlie: Don't read that.
Alan: Yeah, right. Uhh, okay. "Question: How long can you expect to date Charlie after you have sex with him? Answer: It depends how late you sleep the next morning".

Rate this quote:
4.5

Alan: It's like talking Shakespeare to a tree.

Rate this quote:
4.5
From episode Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!.

Alan: (To a very overweight patient) Oh, Mr. Dunlop, good to see you again. How we doing today?
Mr. Dunlop: Not good. I was making love to my wife last night.
Alan: Oh my God, is she okay?!?!
Mr. Dunlop: She's fine. She was on top.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Berta: I forgot to do a load of laundry. Last chance to change your underwear.
Alan: I'm good.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Charlie: I’m good genetic material, you know, easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Alan: (to Charlie) What can I say, marriage is a great ride... till you puke.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Rate this quote:
4.5

Alan: Oh, don't worry, Mom doesn't commit suicide, she inspires it.

Rate this quote:
4.5
From episode Springtime on a Stick.

Jerome: I couldn't be friends with the man who's puttin' it to my ex.
Herb: Well, to be fair, there hasn't been a lot of "puttin'" lately.
Alan: And after the baby there'll be even less.
Herb: How's that possible?
Alan: Not only will she not let you touch her, she'll interrupt you while you're touching yourself.
Herb: Awwww!

Rate this quote:
4.5
From episode The Two Finger Rule.

Showing results 1 to 20 of 71

Page 1  2  3  Page 4  

Next Page >>