Two and a Half Men Quotes

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Episodes:

Season 1 (+)
- Pilot (6)
- Big Flappy Bastards (1)
- Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (3)
- If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going To Nap (2)
- The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump (1)
- Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? (5)
- If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (1)
- Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful (5)
- Phase One, Complete (2)
- Merry Thanksgiving (3)
- Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (2)
- Camel Filters + Pheromones (4)
- Sara Like Puny Alan (2)
- I Can't Afford Hyenas (2)
- Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1) (2)
- That Was Saliva, Alan (0)
- Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats (4)
- An Old Flame With a New Wick (2)
- I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You (1)
- Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (3)
- No Sniffing, No Wowing (2)
- My Doctor has a Cow Puppet (1)
- Just Like Buffalo (2)
- Can You Feel My Finger (2)
Season 2 (+)
- Back Off Mary Poppins (3)
- Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (1)
- A Bag Full of Jawea (4)
- Go Get Mommy's Bra (2)
- Bad News from the Clinic (6)
- The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance (6)
- A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (1)
- Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (7)
- Yes, Monsignor (5)
- The Salmon Under My Sweater (2)
- Last Chance to See Those Tattoos (4)
- A Lung Full of Alan (0)
- Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (2)
- Those Big Pink Things with Coconut (1)
- Smell the Umbrella Stand (4)
- Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (2)
- Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! (4)
- It Was Mame, Mom (2)
- A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise (2)
- I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey (0)
- A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On (3)
- That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother (1)
- Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab (1)
- Does Something Smell Funny to You (6)
Season 3 (+)
- Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts (3)
- Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (4)
- Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark (2)
- Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (3)
- We Called It Mr. Pinky (5)
- Hi, Mr. Horned One (1)
- Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (2)
- That Voodoo That I Do Do (1)
- Madame and Her Special Friend (6)
- Something Salted and Twisted (3)
- Santa's Village of the Damned (2)
- That Special Tug (4)
- Humiliation Is a Visual Medium (4)
- Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded (1)
- My Tongue Is Meat (1)
- Ergo, the Booty Call (1)
- The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer (5)
- The Spit-Covered Cobbler (2)
- Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (3)
- Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (0)
- And the Plot Moistens (2)
- Just Once with Aunt Sophie (2)
- Arguments for the Quickie (1)
- That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (2)
Season 4 (+)
- Working for Caligula (2)
- Who's Vod Kanockers (3)
- The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress (2)
- A Pot Smoking Monkey (2)
- A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (1)
- Apologies for the Frivolity (1)
- Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head (1)
- Release the Dogs (2)
- Corey's Been Dead for an Hour (5)
- Kissing Abraham Lincoln (2)
- Walnuts and Demerol (1)
- Castrating Sheep in Montana (4)
- Don't Worry, Speed Racer (3)
- That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (2)
- My Damn Stalker (2)
- Young People Have Phlegm Too (5)
- I Merely Slept with a Commie (2)
- It Never Rains in Hooterville (2)
- Smooth as a Ken Doll (2)
- Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (2)
- Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (2)
- Mr. McGlue's Feedbag (1)
- Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin (2)
- Prostitutes and Gelato (3)
Season 5 (+)
- Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (2)
- Media Room Slash Dungeon (5)
- Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo (6)
- City of Great Racks (0)
- Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (4)
- Help Daddy Find His Toenail (3)
- The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room (7)
- Is There a Mrs. Waffles? (2)
- Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids (2)
- Kinda Like Necrophilia (1)
- Meander to Your Dander (1)
- A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh (3)
- The Soil is Moist (1)
- Winky-Dink Time (1)
- Rough Night in Hump Junction (2)
- Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty (1)
- Fish in a Drawer (1)
- If My Hole Could Talk (1)
- Waiting for the Right Snapper (3)
Season 6 (+)
- Taterhead Is Our Love Child (3)
- Pie Hole, Herb (4)
- Damn You, Eggs Benedict (4)
- The Flavin' and the Mavin' (4)
- A Jock Strap in Hell (3)
- It's Always Nazi Week (4)
- Best H.O. Money Can Buy (1)
- Pinocchio’s Mouth (2)
- The Mooch At The Boo (2)
- He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited (4)
- The Devil's Lube (3)
- Thank God for Scoliosis (4)
- I Think You Offended Don (3)
- David Copperfield Slipped Me A Roofie (4)
- I'd Like to Start With the Cat (4)
- She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime (3)
- The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'? (3)
- My Son's Enormous Head (3)
- The Two Finger Rule (12)
- Hello, I am Alan Cousteau (3)
- Above Exalted Cyclops (2)
- Sir Lancelot's Litterbox (0)
- Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth (3)
- Baseball with Better Steroids (5)
Season 7 (+)
- 818-jklpuzo (3)
- Whipped Unto the Third Generation (1)
- Mmm, fish. Yum. (0)
- Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator (0)
- For The Sake Of The Child (2)
- Give Me Your Thumb (0)
- Untainted by Filth (1)
- Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. (0)
- Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair (2)
- That's Why They Call It Ball Room (1)
- Warning, It's Dirty (0)
- Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (1)
- Yay, No Polyps! (0)
- Crude and Uncalled For (1)
- Aye, Aye, Captain (0)
- Tinkle Like a Princess (0)
- I Found Your Moustache (2)
- Ixnay on the Oggie Day (0)
- Keith Moon is Vomiting in his Grave (0)
- I Called Him Magoo (0)
- Gumby with a Pokey (1)
- This Is Not Gonna End Well (0)
Season 8 (+)
- Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud (0)
- A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer (1)
- A Pudding-Filled Cactus (0)
- Hookers, Hookers, Hookers (0)
- The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel (0)
- Twanging Your Magic Clanger (0)
- The Crazy Bitch Gazette (1)
- Springtime on a Stick (1)
- A Good Time in Central Africa (0)
- Ow, Ow, Don't Stop (1)
- Dead from the Waist Down (0)
- Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead (0)
- Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup (1)
- Lookin' for Japanese Subs (0)
- Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak (0)
- That Darn Priest (1)
Season 9 (+)
- Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (2)
- People Who Love Peepholes (0)
- Big Girls Don't Throw Food (0)
- Nine Magic Fingers (0)
- A Giant Cat Holding a Churro (0)
- The Squat and The Hover (2)
- Those Fancy Japanese Toilets (0)
- Thank You For The Intercourse (0)
- Frodo's Headshots (0)
- A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes (1)
- What a Lovely Landing Strip (0)
- One False Move, Zimbabwe! (0)
- Slowly And In A Circular Fashion (0)
- A Possum on Chemo (0)
- The Duchess of Dull-In-Sack (0)
- Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy (0)
- Not In My Mouth! (1)
- The War Against Gingivitis (0)
- Palmdale, Ech (0)
- Grandma's Pie (0)
- Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' (0)
- Why We Gave Up Women (0)
- The Straw In My Donut Hole (0)
- Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! (0)
Season 1 (+)
- I Changed My Mind About the Milk (0)
- A Big Bag of Dog (0)
- Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt (0)
- You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For (1)
- That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam (0)
- Ferrets, Attack! (0)
- Avoid The Chinese Mustard (0)
- Something My Gynecologist Said (0)
- I Scream When I Pee (0)
- One Nut Johnson (0)
- Give Santa A Tail-Hole (0)
- Welcome to Alancrest (0)
- Grab A Feather And Get In Line (0)
- Run, Steven Staven! Run! (0)
- Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It (0)
- Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby (0)
- Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries (0)
- The 9:04 From Pemberton (0)
- Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon (0)
- Bazinga! That's From A TV Show (0)
- Another Night with Neil Diamond (0)
- My Bodacious Vidalia (0)
- Cows, Prepare To Be Tipped (0)

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